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15 Funny (and maybe all-too-idealistic) New Years’ Resolutions From Parents

December 29, 2016

1. Wake up before the kids

Doesn’t it sound nice, though? To take some time for yourself, get ready for the day, get breakfast ready, maybe exercise or meditate? Yeah, until you stay up one night binge-watching Netflix, or your teething toddler wakes up screaming one night, or your scared kid needs to share a bed with you. Then those early-morning ambitions will fly right out the window.

2. Say “no” less frequently

You read a blog post about rephrasing the way you talk to your kids and decide you’re going to try it. Instead of saying, “NO! Don’t you draw all over the dishwasher!” You say, “honey, remember that we only draw on paper, right?”

Alright, well good luck with this one.

3. Shower everyday

Enough excuses, and enough dry shampoo. You are a human being and you are entitled to basic hygiene practices every single day. No more sleeping in too late for it, no more staying up too late until you’re too tired to do it, no more putting it off thinking you’ll workout. No more assuming you won’t leave the house so it’s not necessary. You deserve the cleanliness and the time to yourself.

4. Limit social media time

Maybe you don’t need to check Instagram at your kid’s baseball game. Or maybe you notice another parent on his/her phone while their kid is playing at the park, and you decide, “No. that’s not me. I’m going to be a 100 percent fully attentive parent.”

But let’s be honest, how entertaining is 2.5 hours of 6-year-olds playing baseball? Social media is a godsend for those kids activities, am I right?

5. Only make one dinner

That’s it, no more separate meals for everyone. You are SICK AND TIRED of catering to everyone’s delicate palettes. Your kids can eat that lasagna or go to bed hungry!

… until they sadly say how hungry they are and the mom guilt kicks in.

6. Don’t swear in front of the kids

That temper of yours is done; this is the year of the patient mom. No more getting angry at that stupid, probably too-old-to-drive SUV ahead of you who obviously isn’t paying attention or, you know what, probably on their phone. No, you’re not going let your tongue slip a vulgarity at them, especially in front of your kids. You’re cool and collected, and not fazed by those who seem to have no regard for anyone else on the road and stop for a yellow light even though you both could’ve made it. You’re better than that.

7. Go on more dates

The key to accomplishing a lot of the above goals is by giving yourself more adult time. Time to unwind, talk to your husband about things other than the best way to remove pen marks from leather couches and eating your food while it’s hot without having to share with anyone. Once a week isn’t going to be too hard, right? You just have to arrange a babysitter ahead of time, budget for the date, make sure the house is clean for said babysitter, lay out the kids pajamas, which means doing the laundry, don’t let them have too much screen time during the day so they can watch a movie while you’re gone, and then miss half of your movie while miss your kids the entire time. The #momlife struggle is real, y’all.

8. Be on time

Hey, if you can keep #1 maybe you can keep this one, and arrive on time! You’ll want to lay out some steps to make being on time easier, like laying out clothes ahead of time, prepping the diaper bag ahead of time, and pre-making lunches, etc. This is actually a really do-able one without a lot of extra prep time. I’ve noticed in my own life that being on time can totally change my attitude about an activity and even my whole day.

9. De-clutter the toys

“You have too many toys!” you frustratingly exclaim every single time you walk in the kids’ room and step on a block/Barbie/ball/marker/talking stuffed animal/pretend food/bike helmet. You decide that your family will set a goal to de-clutter, and rid yourselves of all excess belongings. In time, this gets bumped to the bottom of the list as just keeping the house clean is effort enough. But it’s a nice thought. Maybe if you designate the very first Saturday of the year to nothing else except filling up one laundry basket per family member of excess items, you can check off this one right off the bat!

10. Take more photos of your kids

Dang it, you totally forgot to bring your camera to the preschool field trip! And oh man, don’t you see other people’s pictures in the labor and delivery room and wish that you would’ve brought a camera, even though you knowingly left it at home? This year you won’t miss a thing. Memory lane is turning into the I-15 in your life in 2017.

11. Take fewer photos of your kids

But then you realize that maybe posting five pictures on social media of your kids every single day is excessive. Like, does the whole world need to see what they look like in the morning, and the mess they made during breakfast, and how cute they are during their nap, and how much fun they have playing with their toys, and their silly bubble creations during bath time? You decide you’re going to put the camera down and be in the moment more frequently. Memory lane is turning into a back road in 2017.

12. Organize all the photos

Despite your efforts to take fewer photos, or at least more meaningful ones, your phone is digitally bursting at the seams with pictures. In the back of your mind, you worry about your phone breaking, or something happening with your online account that will cause you to lose them all. So you decide you are finally going to download them all, organize them into folders, print the ones worth saving, create cute little albums to display, and going forward, do this on a regular basis.

13. Less junk food

Goldfish crackers aren’t a healthy snack. Even the whole-grain ones. You know it, and now you’re finally able to admit it. Less processed, and more fresh. Less eating out, and more home-cooked. And yes, Stouffers counts as home cooked when the alternative is Chick-Fil-A. But wait, Chick-Fil-A is like healthy junk food right? Does it even count?

14. Wear regular clothes more often

Just like those pesky showers that don’t seem to happen, that closet full of regular pants and shirts is just dying to slide on that well-rested, well-fed, and well-cleaned body of yours. Even if you don’t think you’ll go out, or see anyone you know, or you have a lot of cleaning to do, or you’ll probably workout later but let’s be honest probably not, or you don’t want to contribute to the already-mounting laundry pile. Every single day, plan to wear “regular clothes” for at least part of the day. You get to define what “regular clothes” means to you.

15. Cut down the caffeine consumption

It’s so bad, but ohhhh sooooo good! That warm coffee, those bubbling sodas, your best friend in liquid form. Forget spirit animals, caffeine is your spirit-chemical. But you realize the relationship might be a little unhealthy, as you seem to need that caffeine boost more than it needs you, and without it you’re hit with some intense headaches and withdrawals. You decide that you don’t have to completely break-up, maybe just scale back to 1-2 cups or cans per day. And probably start drinking water. That’s doable, right?

What did we miss? What other parenting-inspired New Year’s Resolutions usually seem to die with good intentions?

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Avatar for Angela Silva

Angela Silva

Angela graduated with her B.S. in Exercise and Wellness and is a NASM certified personal trainer who specializes in postpartum fitness and recovery. She enjoys writing, cracking jokes, and spending time with her family, preferably while fishing. She shares many of her life adventures on Instagram as @angelagrams

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